The Fail Zone

sooooo, i'm going to ramble for a bit, yay!

i'm eating something pretty disgusting right now- i basically emptied uncooked rice, a small can of pork and beans, and some frozen veggie bits into my rice cooker and let it do its thing.  then i added cheddar cheese and salsa.  it would have turned out better if i'd added the veggies earlier so that they'd be mushy and overcoooked, instead of sticking out of the flavor/texture background so much.  the salsa doesn't jibe too well with the beans, and is even worse with the veggies, and the rice is simultaneously mushy and undercooked.  i feel like the only thing that could save this is more cheese, and maybe some hot sauce. 

tiffy and ian just finished laughing at/watching georgia rule, which is the last movie i can remember lindsey lohan making.  it was on lifetime...  that pretty much says it all, although i did see a decent-ish snippet of a movie with kristen bell in it on lifetime the other day. 

i'm still being a 3 year old- every day i want to grow up to be something else.  at the moment, i'm thinking teaching english overseas and being a wanderer (of sorts).  i'm not a nature person, but i would like to move from city to city every few months, or at least make lots and lots of day trips.  a 4 week, monday to friday, 9-5 CELTA course in new york is 2.5k for tuition only.  i wonder if i could get the parental units to pay for it, and whether i should do it before or after graduation.  i mean, i could rationalize it to mom and dad by saying- look, you're not going to pay for my grad school (probably masters in library science), let me train for a way to pay for it myself.  and then, instead of taking my certificate to an asian country whose thirst for english teachers and favorable exchange rate will actually allow me to save money, i'll run off to europe!  i'll need to calculate how much money i'll need to finance the start-up (with or without tuition assistance from parents) and for rainy day money before i go absolutely planning crazy for this one.

oops, i already have.  they've been pushing ra-ing at cty as a summer job, and at 1.3k per session, being an ra should be enough to pay them back.  i can take celta from may 24 to june 18, and have about a week to get ready to ra, then come back and bum around for a few weeks before finishing up my very last semester.  and of course, i'd spend that last semester looking for a job that starts as soon after new year's as possible, in any marginally safe and pretty region of the world.  i'm thinking buenos aires, milan, or hong kong.

let me know what you think, before i change my mind again!

Read it.

There's nothing quite like blithely handing over a $100 bill to pay for an absolutely frivolous experience (in this case, a seventy minute foot massage at midnight in the spa of your five star hotel with your friends).  Especially if it's actually a 100 RMB bill, only worth a bit less than $15 USD and you're getting 32 RMB back asw change.  Even after the completely unnecessary 10 RMB tip (tipping is not common in China and may make your massage therapist/waitress/bellboy uncomfortable) we all agree that this was an excellent deal.  And I feel like (for lack of a better term) a high roller.  Like I could pull out $100 USD and do whatever the hell I want whenever I want.

Except even the blindest of the willfully blind could write a dissertation on the insane human costs involved in bringing five-star-China into its cut-rate existence.  To put it mildly, I've never been quite so excited to come home to the glorious tri-state area.

I have so much hope right now, a hope that is almost like a prayer, a hope that this do-over will go well.  I wish it was faith that I had right now- a certainty in my ability to do whatever is necessary to acheive the life I idly dreamed of while avoiding expending any effort in the name of pharmacy.  This trip has made it even more clear that I must be ready to be independent at a moment's notice should tempers be lost on either/both sides.  So consistent good behavior absolutely cannot elude me.  I just need to be functional now, un-named deity.  And I beg you for a loan (or outright gift, it's your choice) of whatever it takes RIGHT NOW, with purely selfish intent.  I'm scared and clueless- the best kind of target for those who trade in miracles and faith.  Try blessing me, omnipotent one.  I swear this ride will at least be amusing, something your worshipful followers cannot guarantee.

What they can guarantee, and I can't, is that they will still be waiting for you.  I can't afford that luxury this fall, and hopefully won't be doing so.  The shit hits the fan September 1st.

http://drugmonkey.blogspot.com/2009/06/i-noticed-it-again-last-friday.html

i want to be that open-minded in real life, i swear.  and i do see lots of little families with adorable children, whose mothers and fathers are hispanic or black or whatever it is that my parents object to.  my parents look at these people, and at first glance, they see the worst of the 80s in nyc.  then they see the children, which usually helps, as does any evidence of upward mobility.  but just as people of more "acceptable" ethnicity aren't judged if they don't have a wife, 2.5 kids, car, dog, white picket fence, huge-ass mortgage, etc., i should be just as comfortable with the single young men of certain backgrounds swaggering about new brunswick.  but i'm not.  mostly because i've gotten chased down the street or leered at one too many times.  and i'm nowhere near the level of attractiveness where too much male attention should be an issue.

besides, that kind of attention is kind of like rape- at the root of it, it really has nothing to do with sexual attraction or attractiveness.   you are not "asking for it" if you're dressed attractively or walk a certain way or dare to go somewhere alone.  and by the way, i care about how i dress, but i very rarely wear anything a mormon would object to, so don't shoot me a flame denouncing me as a whore.  also, even if i did wear revealing clothes, again, that has nothing to do with it and does not reflect my worth as a human being or my profession (because whoring is a profession and you're only a whore if you take money for sexual acts, as an agreed upon transaction).  anyhow, i think the closest i could place the issue is gender politics. 

for some reason, some (not even a small minority) of these otherwise nice people (i'm assuming they're nice to their grandmothers and whatnot, because i don't know them and therefore should not arbitrarily decide that they must be evil scumbags) think that it is ok to leer, that it is ok to make advances to random people on the street and continue making those advances even after it becomes apparent that they are not quite comfortable.  granted, the words they use when they're not leering are more or less polite- no cursing or open references to various body parts.  so i must still be considered a "lady".  but why in the world would you stop a stranger to tell her she's very very pretty and would she like your phone number and is she sure for the 42nd time that she doesn't want it?  no matter what you look like, that's just creepy to me.

i don't care if it works in movies.  i don't care if persistence is generally considered a good thing.  there are so many other people out there- go talk to them.  i only deal with strangers at work and at parties, in case of emergency situations, or if i choose to make an exception (such as people who are obviously students and aren't hitting on me who are going to be in rather close proximity to me for an extended period of time- ie. in transit.)  if i'm off the clock and not at a social event where the point is to meet people, i will not talk to you unless you know someone who knows me.  and commenting on my perceived physical attractiveness or other forward behaviors is not a good way to encourage me to make an exception for you.

ok, back to the open-minded-ness issue.  it's probably close-minded, bigoted, and class-ist or however you refer to discriminiation based on socioeconomic status for me to be extra cautious and a little bit stand-off-ish when i'm aware that a black or hispanic male is paying attention to me.  i don't want to be close-minded, but at the same time, i don't want to be approached in that way.  i fully recognize that the vast majority of human beings, especially human beings in this country, are nice people that want a nice life and we're all quite similar.  their parents are probably quite simiar to my parents in personality and prior experience.  and i very firmly believe that american people should not be throwing rocks out of their glass houses built by their own immigrant ancestors, especially when the doors of these houses are supposed to be freely opened.  ("give me your tired, your poor") 

but how do i practice what i preach without unnecessarily forcing myself to speak to people when i am not comfortable or interested?  i thought that my natural tendency towards being equally cold to just about anyone i haven't been introduced to would do the trick, except that people are not mind-readers and will assume what they want to assume.  they will think it's because they're ghetto, or because of their looks, or because of all the stereotypical reasons a college girl would not want to speak to an actual new brunswick resident.  should i wear a sign saying, "please leave me alone, i'm a frigid bitch and it's not your fault"?  should i slouch around in baggy clothes and sneakers?  should i refuse to leave my house without a posse?  should i just blindly trust every stranger that talks to me, since most people are not murderers, thieves, and/or rapists?

nobody's going to read this, so the ending line that popped into my head ("let the flaming begin") is probably not relevant.  however, if you have managed to stumble upon this blurb- even if you don't comment, read the whole thing, and/or generally care about what i think- please at least think about your own inner bigot for a little bit.

crunch time begins now.  in no particular order, this is what i need to accomplish.

molbio/whatever-the-fuck-they-call-that-class: 81 on the final for a C, 95 for a C+.  obviously won't be getting that attendance based boost. so it's a 2X3 credits or 2.5X3 credits.  probably the former

drug delivery: 92 on final, don't fuck up any further labs.  probably my only real A.  4X3 credits.

pharmacology: have no fucking clue how things are weighted in this class.  i'm guess-timating that i'll need to break 92% on the final to scrape a C.  hopehopehope-ing it will be 2X3 credits.  **edit**  heard from joe that the final will be 75 questions, so based on my calculations, i will need 63 of those, or 84%.  a tiny bit more doable, although waking up in time to go to class would be helpful.  i better benadryl myself at midnight and get back into a normal sleep pattern soon.

pharmaceutical chemistry:i could be perfect on the next exam and all those little quizzes (yeah right), and just barely round up to a B.  most likely i'll be taking the final because i need a few 3 credit B's to balance out molbio and pcology.  i'll need around a 90 on both the next exam and the final.  and not fucking up the quizzes b/c i forgot to do the online ones until the last minute or not being fully conscious for the in class "pop" quizzes would be nice, for pride purposes.  PLEASE be 3X3 credits.

concepts...: i have no clue what she wants from us in this class.  i suppose attending would help, but the online "midterm" was a 95, so i'm assuming being present should do the trick.  should be 4X1 credits.

industry: i have no clue how things are weighted here, but i got a B on the 1st exam and a C on the 2nd, so will definitely need a A on the final.  i haven't shown up in a while, but i'm not sure how it will help.  i don't think it will improve my participation factor by this point (the participation grade is based on me submitting 5 questions to the TA by a certain date as pertains to a certain lecture, i think).  i guess i'll just show up for the lectures where the slides aren't overly detailed (we have guest lecturers every week).  and remember to do my participation assignment.  and try to be perfect on the final.  hopefully 3.5X2 credits, although it may slip to 3X2.

pecon: i don't know what's weighted where, i don't know how i did on the last exam, i don't know what's on the next exam (monday), i haven't even talked to yi about the project yet, i haven't been to a class where suh was actually lecturing in about 2 months...  this is not good.  normally, any econ-related shit should be an easy A for me.  so i'm guessing 4X3 credits or 3.5X3 credits.

somehow, this all needs to add up to 56, so that i can maintain a 3.0 and keep my scholarship and be definitively off probation.

finding some way to either pull a full-blown research paper out of my ass or take the freaking research elective from LAST SEMESTER off my transcript would also be nice.

all of this needs to happen soon. within the next 2-3 weeks, before finals madness really begins.  i hoped to do some definitive work on the paper this week but i got lazy/social.  i'm going to write to admin-types about my sitch, go to bed, wake up at 8, remember to take my meds, and revise the freaking data table before my parents get here for lunch.  after lunch i'll try to find someone's pecon notes or revise the paper so it fits the data table, then take the night off.  sunday i'll sleep in a tiny bit and in the afternoon/night i'll find someone's pecon notes and/or revise the paper, depending on how comfortable i feel w/ the material.  a decent draft is going out sunday night.  monday during molbio and pcology and the break, i'll mooch off people's notes and try to figure out how things are weighted.  then i'll ace the exam and get another draft out on thursday night.   i've got meetings/therapist appts sometime in there, but if i don't get another one out by thursday, i'm not letting myself go to halfway done.

halfway done weekend...  i dunno.  i've got work that sunday, so i should probably just allow myself to party afterwards and sleep in saturday morning, then get back to work on that freaking paper.  i want that thing FINISHED a week before the 3rd pchem exam, so i can study for that and finals.  if it's not finished by then, i'm taking that F.  i don't care anymore.  let's move forward people.

this would all be so much more DOABLE if that freaking research elective didn't exist.  if i could get them to let me withdraw a semester later...  i doubt they will, even given my precarious mental health.  so i better stick to that schedule up there, or i'm so completely and totally fucked it's not even funny.  this is so beyond my normal melodrama that i'm sort of... calm?  i dunno.  but not a productive calm.  i need a productive calm.  i also need to get those emails out so i can go to sleep.  sorry to anyone who actually read this- you REALLY shouldn't have- this post is much too long.  many many apologies.

so i was tossing and turning and generally not sleeping- what to do?!?!?

i end up at a fashion blog run by a stern student who harasses her fellow nyu-ers (already known for being a VERY chic bunch) by snapping their pictures whenever she spots a cute outfit and demanding to know where they got everything, including accessories.  the approximate cost of the items is also listed, which can be stratospherically high for a poor starving liberal arts student anywhere but nyu.  then she posts this information with about a paragraph of commentary.

one of the non-stalker-ish posts she has led me to a shoe designer named chie mihara.  seriously, check them out- they're so so so beautiful and unlike the hard, shiny, tasteless, uncomfortable crap that is generally available in department stores.  she supposedly did time at eneslow, a comfort/walking shoe company, so her shoes should be slightly less painful than the average cute bajillion dollar shoe.

her shoes are in the $3-400 dollar range, at least.  and she's based in spain, so i don't know how much shipping would be.  but if i were out of school, i would seriously consider ordering a pair or two.  i'd shop out of goodwill for a year to afford a closet full of those shoes.  (disclaimer: we're talking a new york sized closet here, so you guys can rest assured that i'm not turning into imelda marcos... yet.)

anyhow, this is what happens when i'm stressed about exams, can't sleep, and have access to the internet.  hopefully my computer-burned-out eyes will stay closed now.

The GSAT
1. I own and wear t-shirts featuring the logos of computer/operating system manufacturers.
2. I am over the age of 22 and live with my parents.
3. I am, according to the medical definition, obese.
4. On an average day more of my human interaction happens on message boards or in blog comments than with actual other people.
5. I have ended real friendships over arguments about computer or product choices.
6. I very seriously and passionately try to talk people into buying or switching to my OS/phone/product of choice.
7. I commonly use very specific technical jargon without considering whether or not the person I'm talking to understands it.
8. I hold an engineering or IT degree.
9. I have made a member of the opposite sex sit and watch me play video games for an hour or more.
10. I play with my phone at restaurants.
11. Almost all of my jokes are actually just catchphrases or references to The Simpsons, Family Guy, Borat, or any other popular comedic film or show.
12. I have a medical problem that makes me sweat a lot.
13. I live or have lived for an extended period completely nocturnally, sitting at my computer all night and sleeping all day.
14. I generally do not leave my home if it's not necessary for work or food retrieval.
15. I have over 50,000 Xbox 360 Gamerpoints.
16. I work in electronics retail.
17. I generally am only friends with other Apple people/Windows people.
18. My sense of humor is more in line with 4chan than any other comedic source.
19. I hang out exclusively with members of the same sex.
20. I own and wear a cowboy hat, Kangol hat, fedora and/or bowler.
21. I am the dominant talker in most conversations I have.
22. I think the Star Wars trilogy/Star Trek series is the greatest thing ever put to celluloid and will argue all night about it.
23. When I hang out with my friends, we usually play Risk, Axis and Allies, Dungeons and Dragons and/or Settlers of Catan.
24. I have a level 80 character in World of Warcraft.
25. I've dressed up as a video game character/manga character in public on a day other than Halloween.
26. I say internet acronyms such as LOL and BRB out loud.
27. I own a sword, nunchucks and/or throwing stars.
28. I'm an obsessive collector.
29. I make my own image macros.
30. I am really, really into my cat. Like, really.
31. I have corrected someone's spelling or grammar on a message board or in blog comments.
32. I have authored and obsessively updated Wikipedia entries about cartoons from the 80's.
33. I breathe through my mouth, mostly.
34. I've read all of the greatest novels ever published, all of which happen to be graphic novels.
35. I suffer from halitosis and/or a laziness-based aversion to dental hygiene.
36. I vote for politicians based on their stance on net neutrality.
37. My dream girl has eyes the size of dinner plates, is part robot or, optimally, both.
38. I am a very active member of a private, invite-only BitTorrent tracker with extremely strict ratio/bitrate requirements.
39. I regularly ingest caffeine through unconventional means.
40. I'm convinced that I would be happier if I worked on the Starship Enterprise.
41. I do things for the "lulz."
42. I always have the last word in online arguments. Always.
43. I wear sweatpants more than any other type of pants.
44. I am a guy and I have a ponytail.
45. I believe that it's the rest of the world that's awkward and I actually have everything pretty much figured out.
46. I have a hard drive exclusively dedicated to porn.
47. I write letters to companies and consumer interest blogs whenever I feel that I've been wronged.
48. I'm married in Second Life but single in real life.
49. I read Gizmodo more than the New York Times.
50. I am offended by this test.

12!  Actually, that's w/ a bit of exaggeration.  I only use v technical musical and working-@-drugstore terms.  I play with my phone at restaurants because I'm too retarded to figure out how to use it properly.  I believe the medical problem that makes me sweat alot is being a huge priss: any sweat (ahem, glow) is too much.  I have been nocturnal due to the computer, with no reasonable excuse.  But I'm not a gamer, just a fanfic, Wikipedia, Youtube, DC++, and Facebook addict.  If I don't watch it, I start leaving my room only for class, work, and food, then just work and food, then just work.  I always show up to work, and usually at least 15 minutes early.  I don't know what that says about me.  I am most definitely the most dominant talker you have ever met.  If you're ever speaking to functional (or even semi-functional) me, and you've even got an equal share in the conversation- you should be asking me what I want from you.  Just a hint.  And I correct grammar and spelling all the time in real life, so I see nothing wrong with correcting it online.  The shrinks and docs at school say I'm a mouth breather.  And I'm mostly joking about the halitosis, unless people aren't telling me things.  I started with the caffeine gum back when the only source was Hot Topic, but I've eased up because I'm always chewing gum anyway, so I'd forget and then also ingest some Red Bull like substance at the same time and give myself some weird palpitations.  I definitely do things for the lulz, but I take care to use different terminology so that others will assist me.  And it's kind of a squeaky-clean (usually) way to rebel.  And the rest of the world can suck it- open-ness and honesty is always the best policy.  Not awkward at all.

But let's see what they say about people w/ a score between 11 and 20...

"You wear a "Can't sleep, clowns will eat me" shirt you bought at Hot Topic, but you rarely have trouble gathering a crew to play Left 4 Dead at your place. Sure, you might not have been prom king, but you've found your niche and similar people to you and you're making it work for yourself. You can't really argue with that."

I do not wear clothing from Hot Topic, because it is usually of inferior quality and overpriced.  I do like dorky tees, but not enough to buy them.  I don't even know what Left 4 Dead is.  But the last two sentences definitely apply.  This shit is very male gamer biased.  There are many girls and non-gamers out there that are quite geeky within their field and VERY socially awkward outside of it (or even within it).  EXPAND THE DEFINITION OF GEEKINESS!  Y'all are just as excluding as the Plastics-type cliques sometimes, which blows because you generally think of yourselves as very open, understanding, inclusive people- better than those that would exclude you.

Just a thought.  Sorry for the length of the post.

the title of this post indicates large amounts of time spent in the company of yi.

i'm always trying to find fresh ways to make real, tasty food in the dorm with minimal fuss. i have a very small microwave and 3 cup rice cooker (3 cups dry rice plus water and add'l space). i also have very limited freezer space. fresh ingredients, although much healthier and tastier, are not an option due to the variability of my late night eating habits.

so cook (in rice cooker)

a cup or so of rice
a cup or so of frozen veggies, the cheap little chopped-up-easy-to-cook-size type from a bag
several generous pinches of red pepper flakes stolen from takeout
sesame oil and soy sauce, generously poured

and after the pot is done and a bit rested, spoon out however much you like and add some noritamago furikake (supplied by ayaka). furikake are rice seasonings- this particular one has sesame seeds, wheat, dried yolk powder, sugar, salt, shaved bonito, and seaweed.

all the dry ingredients are easy to store, even in the overly warm, moist air of the dorm. the sesame oil and soy sauce are refrigerated for this reason, in very small bottles. the bag of veggies is more space efficient than the boxes i had last semester. it's very cheap, complex-tasting (to stave off boredom), relatively healthy, easy to make...

the only problem is that it seems to be easiest to make very large batches. i never have much luck cooking the (very small) portions i actually eat. i'll update once i know how this "recipe" stores.

i can't shut my brain up sometimes (never at useful times, of course) so i end up on the internets at godawful times in the morning.

there's at least a few different castles i'm building right now. one for music, one more realistic pharmacy one, another for travel, etc.

i realize that i do this WAY too much- i should be focusing on doing what needs to be done now. it says something about me that these castles are much clearer in my vision than the reality before me. (and no, it's not that i need my prescription changed or more sleep)

the funny thing is, though, with a little bit of clarity in the living of my real life, some of the castles could land at my feet relatively soon.

clarity and focus. may the deity of your choosing grant me some until i can produce some of my own.

it's at times like these where i sit around and dream of post-college life. i'm starting to think that i'll never be happy. i hated elementary school, but i don't remember what they told me. i hated elementary school, and people told me high school would be better. i hated high school, and people told me i'd love college. and now i hate college, and people are telling me real life will be better. of course, people assumed i'd get into an awesome college and have the guts to major in something i loved.

seriously, having a major "13 going on 30" moment right now. i hope so so much that i'll love my life for more than a few hours eventually. aren't we greedy today?

it's a matter of priorities, really.  wasted time v wasted money v wasted materials.  rifling through consignment stores and goodwills and sale piles for hours v quickly running into macy's or pacsun or target and getting what you need.  buying crappy stuff that always needs replacing or good things that, even if you don't want them anymore, will serve someone else well for years.  buying secondhand things that would have eventually ended up in a landfill v buying "brand new" stuff, usually at a lower quality:price ratio.

i decided a summer ago that i wanted to be less wasteful.  like most of my resolutions, it's been broken and bent and utterly forgotten at times.  but i've kept up with it.  even when i forget (usually when stephy brings me to h&m or even worse, forever 21), i usually get back on track.  and it hasn't been that hard.  no less time-consuming than my usual shopping method anyhow.  i don't know how well i can bring the less-waste attitude to the rest of my life.  i'm certainly not very good about wasting time.  but this is the first success i've had in a while, self-improvement-project-wise, and i felt the need to be self-congrajulatory before the emotional carnage that is finals.  so back to pharmaceutics i go.  and back to *insert your subject here* to you too!  shoo!

-feeling as if life is big while walking home at night. even the dreariness of busch campus and its patchy grass and sparse glaring nightlights seems magical when you feel so... as if you're in the scrovegni chapel. as if the flat infinite expanse beyond is only paint.

-disconnecting with reality. reality isn't a terribly nice place usually, and escaping the drabness of life has produced some pretty interesting ideas. i can use just about anything- books, daydreams, smells, music, movies- it's all good, except when you miss things. which is why i'm also listing...

-feeling truly present and with the people around you for once. having a real conversation with friends, getting whacked in the face by nature, helping someone, kissing someone, being here on earth and not solar systems away from where you're supposed to be.

-liking people.  it can be so hard, but every once in a while, you genuinely are glad that there are so many people are out there because they're AWESOME.  i mean, you can know that they're awesome, but how often do you really FEEL that people are awesome.  we're actually quite incredible- what other kind of organism can live on top of each other like we do in cities and somehow be individual within a sort of free-for-all and yet quite similar and orderly.  cities are amazing- an explosion of humanity- endlessly amusing, so excitingly risky, ENERGETIC.  if people were gas molecules, cities would be high pressure systems- pent up and ready to DO something.

-cool breezes and smooth hard floors, the brush of sheets and slide of slips, the rubbery give of a piece of fun-tac in your fingers-  i'd thank some god for nerve endings if i really felt one.  but i don't.  pity.

-food

-the semi-trance state i play my best music by.  i just go there- and maybe it's because i'm tired and delusional- but what's vibrating through my ears is EXACTLY what is sounding in my brain.  maybe it doesn't sound the way it should, but it sounds how i want it to sound and it's freaking awesome

-listening to a song that speaks to me.  sometimes these are damn tacky songs, but i'm gradually becoming less ashamed for liking individual songs that come from people with no real musical credentials/respect.  music is (according to my annoying intro to music professor) first and foremost about communication and when something affects you, you shouldn't dismiss it.  if some cutesy, well constructed piece of catchy pop crap from disney catches my ear, oh well.  it's not like i had much indie cred to begin with.

-a really well composed (brief and understandable) argument or paper.  i strongly believe in hemingway-esque writing, even if i am not a proficient practioner.  (and yes, i know hemingway was kind of a misogynistic dick)  it's like poetry.  dictung in german.  dense words.  words pared down to strictly what is neccessary to convey the exact meaning.  a beautiful, elegant, exactly-what-you-need paragraph or two is so much better than a fucking 10 page paper.  if you are going to write 10 pages of anything that isn't a lab logbook or a diary/blog, you damn well better have a shitload of interesting things to say.  ugh, i am SOOOO terribly unsuited for this semester's self-imposed research hell.

-tossing stuff away, even if it's only temporarily into the laundry bin.  it feels like i'm being productive and moving on from whatever's bothering me.  and there's nothing quite like throwing out EVERYTHING that had to do with orgo.  but at the same time, i like

-keeping things forever.  people, clothes, business cards, maps, books, cds/mixes, sheet music- no matter how ghetto (even if it's lyrics printed off the internet with my approximation of the tabs jotted down), manuals, gifts from people i actually care about, cool wallpaper/giftwrap samples, etc.  basically, i keep everything i deem interesting or important much longer than they should be considered interesting or important.  i'm trying becoming one of those people who like to pare things down (clothes, words, STUFF), but it's very slow going.

-not doing work, spending money on silly things like pedicures, and reading fanfics/youtubing/creating alternate universes to reside in.  a touch of rebellion, alot of sloth, and a strong underlying current of intemperance.  it makes me fear that if even the simplest of pleasures can cause me to ruin my own life everyday, further age-appropriate experimentation could turn out very badly indeed.

have i ever mentioned how much i LOVE clothes? it's kind of shameful, to be so obsessed with something so petty and transient. my latest inspiration has been, like every other preppy-ish chick in the tri-state area, gossip girl. specifically the awesomeness that is blair's wardrobe. retro and ladylike and lolita and v expensive- exactly my kind of thing. but the jen.wu show doesn't have the astronomical budget of an actual tv show, so i've been making do w/ the clothes i already have and some additions from actual children's uniforms. i've already bought two heavy navy cardigans- i'd wear those anyway, because i don't like hoodies much. and a little blue and red striped cross-front tie (the girlie ones, not an actual tie), plain white long sleeved button-down (i just realized i didn't have one *gasp* and it's cheaper and easier to find than in department stores- hopefully the juniors dept of french toast fits well), and some black socks (just because the dept store of mom only has white socks in stock, despite the tackiness of white socks w/ black pants and shoes) are on the way from cookies kids department store. the total- 16.97, the shipping, 7.28. argh. then i realized the stores are based in brooklyn and queens. double argh.

i'm thinking of wearing the tie w/ a button-down underneath my navy tunic and white cable-knit tights and heeled mary-janes. and my sister's little slouchy white knitted hat. though that's more jenny than blair, i think. hmm... if i wanted to do the full school girl, i have navy double breasted blazer and a navy pleated skirt, but the colors don't match. blazer w/ jeans and boots then, and skirt w/ cardigan. i also have a long, heavy plain brown skirt and my mom's old long grey/red plaid pleated skirt. those could be fun to play around with for events involving parents. the problem is the little blue pleated skirt is some person's old tennis uniform and has elastic sections in the waist. and my mom added elastic to the old skirt (b/c i took it back when my waistline was INSANE). and if i'm going to tuck things in, it may look weird.

oh, and the first real designer bag that i ever really WANTED- the miss catch satchel from dolce and gabbana in brown. insanely schoolgirl. though i kinda like the walter briefcase or the morgan messenger from mulberry. oooh, and their hand luggage looks v stylish... i want the large racing clipper- no wheels, no nonsense. if only it came in a prettier color. a few years back, i saw a schoolgirl style wool coat from mulberry that inspired SERIOUS wantage. or was it apc? hmm... must check my stack of vogues during thanksgiving. just checked the apc site- they definitely look like something i'd like.

ooh, and you know how there's all those trapeze dresses out there (they're probably on the way out, but i want to try it anyhow)? well, i never got around to buying one b/c they were trying to sell me what is essentially an bag w/ a hole for the head or straps for insane money. SO. my mum keeps getting me skirts of awkward length. you know, the ones below the knee that hit just where your calf is the fattest and you end up looking like a sack w/ two stumps hanging out? majorly frumpy- skirts should either be floor length or hit between the bottom of your kneecap and right below the fattest part of your thigh. if you have nice calves and/or long legs, you can have them end right after the curve of the muscle ends. i don't mind so much the ones made of substantial material, but there was this one black jersey skirt w/ a elastic band (bane of my life), a bit of a yoke (plain area on top), and the rest was pleated. i kind of liked the pleats, but the skirt didn't even sit at a good place (too large for my waist, not exactly low-rise either). so i brought the skirt up and made it a dress (belted below the boob, because that's the only way i'll ever look like i have a chest). but the freaking elastic band squished things in a very unstylish manner. plus i'm not very fond of anything strapless. so i picked the stiches that held the elastic to the inside of the waistband/yoke section, slit it open and removed it, and am in the process of darning up the slits and adding straps. i might leave the slits as really large buttonholes in case i need to put the elastic back or want to try and gather it with ribbon or something. or maybe i'll attach it to a tanktop or something, maybe make it a babydoll. the sad thing is, my new minidress is longer than my favorite blue minidress/tunic. i'd like to say that i should just stop letting my mom shop for me, but let's wait until after she goes on today's talbots outlet run. hopefully there'll be some size 2 petite pencil skirts in there. (i love talbots because i'm old school like that, they always have my size left over, and the clothes are always nicely constructed) maybe there'll even be a nice pair of loafers (i've worn the same pair since freshman year of high school).

my sister and i should sit down w/ our vogues, a scanner/printer/ posterboard and the like, and put together collages of what we want to wear.

everyone i know seems to be going through some serious 90s nostalgia- like the song in the subject line. it's so simple. formulaic. comforting. sometimes i think it might be because it brings back good memories, but from 1990-1999, i was pretty much unaware of popular music. all that stuff was already old by the time i got to it, so i can't really explain why i like it so much. for specific songs, i can find memories that connect- mostly ones associated with cty. but where the hell did closing time come from? is it saying something to me? or am i just being self-obsessed as usual?

on a separate note, my grandpa is in the hospital- crazy (and i'm saying this lovingly, b/c i think it's a family trait) old man hates being a hospital patient, so i feel really bad. but he NEEDS to be there, even i agree this time. it's his heart again, so wish him luck any way you feel is appropriate.

BACK TO WORK!

i don't know why i find livejournal so much more congenial than microsoft word. i can write excessively long entries here, but not the essays i need. i need to write an introduction to my semester research paper- a little something a bit more than 1 double spaced page long about WHY anyone would want to read my paper. i'd estimate that i'd need about 1/2 a page to explain my actual research, so we're talking a decently chunky paragraph- i've written more about a pair of shoes. alright, let's do this!

i mean, why do people care about adhd? why do they care about prevalence or incidence, or the rates and types of treatment? is it even real? what's an appropriate age to diagnose or treat it? aren't all kids kinda hyper anyway? are we being hypochondriacs? do people in other countries suffer from this "so-called illness"?

it's something that troubles all mental illnesses, the aura of disrespectability-ness. whatever. i'll find a word. people judge and pontificate about how it's lax parenting, a louche culture, a horrible modern diet... and how medications are unhealthy, inappropriate, ineffective, or "quick fix" that benefits parents and school administrators more than the children. certainly, the family docs that just rip off a ritalin script every month just because a parent or teacher cried adhd are doing their patients a disservice. but if a medication, stimulant or not, is improving function for now, what's wrong with it? right? i mean, there are some that object to all them new-fangled chemical fixes. granted, the starch, gluten, and vitamins in bread are chemicals, and so is water for god's sake, but that's a digression. ok. i'm tired and can't make up the neccessary ignorant "quotes" so i'll actually quote from the comments left at an online news article my professor sent me.

"The basic reason for giving the unfortunate children drugs is that there is no discipline either in the home or at school. This is coupled with teachers who cannot teach."
-this was the most concise of the comments of this type. to this i say, "fuck you". for personal reasons. i haven't got the research to back myself up, but i suspect the reason these kids are brought in is because discipline isn't working. maybe find numbers on this?

"Thousands of parents will be mourning this decision, no more free drugs to get high on, courtesy of the NHS./It was about time this insanity was stopped, not only did the parents indulge, but also the kids that got used to their 'little helper' have been preconditioned for drug abuse in later life."
-ok, sentence number one- hold it there! i've got some papers from western australia about the diversion of prescription stimulants. a very interesting side topic, not sure how i'll stick that in./ok, 2nd sentence. i don't know if it's really an indulgence to try and help your child any way the doctor says you can, but ok. have your say. there are tons of papers on later drug use in these formerly medicated children, but that's a huge ass digression, so i haven't really looked into it.

"I'm a teacher, whenever a child has an issue 1st thing administrators want to do is put them on drugs. This lackadaisical attitude regarding powerful psychotropic drugs being given to children with developing brains is disgraceful. Don't tell me it's necessary becuz for a thousand years it wasn't!"
-school admins and family doctors, yes, we know. there's papers on which types of doctors diagnose/prescribe more. dunno about the school admins, b/c that's more a social issue and i've been searching pubmed, so i get lots of extraneous articles on the effect of atmoxetine on rats. i don't know if it's damaging- again, a fun digression? but hard to compare country to country. i doubt any country other than the US would fund ALOT of research on that kind of thing. and the brain-damage type of research is v expensive. then again, it's kind of more important than the other digressions... but alot more work.

"A lack of fruit and vegetables and a diet of junk foot and McBurgers is likely to be the main causes of a rise in ADHD./The recent rise in number of sufferers and prominance in the lower social classes suggests this."
-There were also people who blamed microwave radiation, vaccine ingredients, and lack of PE. All the usual suspects. There were also people who blamed microwave radiation, vaccine ingredients, and lack of PE. All the usual suspects. there is research out there, so i've heard (mentioned in time or newsweek as a sidebar) that links all sorts of junk to adhd, autism, and many other childhood mental issues. so basically, these reactionaries are blaming all this shit on normal modern life. granted, fruit and veg plus PE would be great for their overall health- NOBODY is dumb enough to argue that. this is all very complicated chemical nonsense. and i suspect alot of the studies will have more correlation than causality. too much work, so i'm calling it a digression, unless i can find alot of info on from "undeveloped" country (ha! an academic research oxymoron). that way we can correlate the "unspoiled" lifestyle w/ our chemical laden world. but that's not going to happen- what, are they going to go into rural india and ask them if the kids born after the chemical runoff were better or worse behaved than the kids before? gee, that sounds scientific.

""Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder" is merely a pathologizing of normal childhood behaviors. All children are naturally more impulsive than adults. They also have shorter attention spans than adults. The drugs used to "treat" "ADHD" are addictive and have other dangerous effects, some fatal."
-OOOH, "treat" and "adhd"! you stole our pseudointellectual quotation marks (generally used to cast aspersions as to the validity or existence of the concept in question)! what are you going to steal next? our ability to... actually, doubt isn't neccessarily a bad thing. the horrible thing about mental illnesses is that they're all about what's going on inside your world. a doctor can easily diagnose a fever, hypertension, or a broken bone. they might even (eventually) find cancer or acid reflux or slightly more subtle things (j/k). i might have to look more into how adhd is diagnosed- i recall reading that there are different standards, DS-whatever and some other system. and that paper said there was a difference in prevalence depending on what system the doctors used. it sucks that what i'm interested in, isn't neccessarily my business. like, how the doctors diagnose and what parents and teachers do- my info is eventually supposed to take the form of "what's cost effective?". at least, that was my pre-reading-of-paper-plan. but the hippie in me wants to know what helps these people. and there is ALOT of evidence that you must have counseling- medicated or not- if you want your adhd kid to succeed. and we all know that counseling is not as cost effective as methylphenidate. ahh, but the social costs... good digression? probably not. and as for the "dangerous" effects of the "drugs", we'll not rant about that, b/c i didn't read papers on that stuff yet. hmm, dangerous drugs... alliteration! no wonder they like!

"I wonder if third world children show similar ADHD rates?."
-me too buster. you wanna pay me to go there and find out?

anyhow, my eyes are tired, i'll be back here tomorrow after class. I WILL TURN THIS SHIT INTO WORKABLE MATERIAL SOON! comment on what you think was worthwhile PLEASE.

Ideally, I’d naturally wake up energized and fresh, around 7 am on a mild, breezy autumn Friday. The sun would be out, just enough for me to be cheerful, but not so much I’d want to skip work to play. I’d jump in the shower and come out a record-breaking 15 minutes later- less if I have the nerve to laser off all the things you don’t need to hear about. Then I’d moisturize, put on a pretty robe, and grab some breakfast. I might do a quick fry-up if there’s someone around and I’m feeling lively, but most likely it’s going to be instant cream of wheat and a non-allergic fruit while I mull over my day and what I’m going to wear.

Either way, the dishes are going in the sink to soak for later, because it’s almost 8 and I’ve got to get dressed. By now, my hair is mostly dry, so after slipping into a retro-awesome outfit, it’s mostly makeup. I’m thinking tinted moisturizer, rosy lip and cheek stain, and a quick smudge of dark brown cream eye shadow is more than enough. Then it’s just a quick spray and tousle. Shit- it’s more than a quarter past. I grab a large, functional designer satchel I packed the night before and run for the subway. Rushed greetings may be exchanged with neighbors and my favorite merchants as I rush by- they’ll understand because they love me and know I’ll be around some other time.

The subway gods are kind to me for once, and I make it to work 10 minutes early, instead of slipping in just a minute shy of punctual. I take a moment to stow my lunch and be a little obsessive about my work area. Hopefully I’ll be so pro they’ll let me have one. Then I trot about the hospital seeing patients and reviewing charts and counseling patients. Just like the professors said we would. Somewhere after noon, I feel as if I’m losing steam (just a little) and I’ll eventually make it to a sit-down lunch. Blessed sit-down lunch. Granted, I’m still cogitating and reviewing journals or professional circulars as I do so, but if I let myself, I could run an errand, call somebody, read trashy magazines, or any number of things for a half hour at least.

I manage to make it all the way to 4 before I grab a coffee. Hopefully, the hospital has decent coffee. I finish up my last hour in a caffeinated bliss before buttoning up my cute little jacket and grabbing my bag. I swing it a bit as I walk down the street, and people can’t help but to look. Not because I’m that much hotter than most New York City girls- but because I’m so goddamned happy. For no fucking reason- I’m just awesome that way. I stop at a boutique on the way to the next subway station- exercise and an excuse to chat with my favorite link to the heady, unstable world of fashion.

She’s in a blissful mood today, so I feel secure enough to toy with buying an utterly ridiculous evening gown. She knows I won’t- I’ve already stockpiled gowns for all my events in the next 2 years. Besides, I much prefer buying something from Goodwill for her to transform. I catch the subway and head home after a bit of a girly chat and a promise to help out at the shop in a few Saturdays. I read some Austen on the way, hopefully having acquired the ability to only read part of a story by then. I snap out of it in time to purposefully stride towards my neighborhood grocery store in awesome, but comfortable (enough) heels. I think they’d probably be pumps, heeled loafers, or something akin to character shoes, depending on what era I’m imagining myself in.

I pick up whatever looks good- today it’s some spinach and a large eggplant. There’s quite a lot of leftover white rice in the fridge, and a few ounces of salmon. It’s part of the huge fillet my friends and I bought at Costco last weekend and split. I’d meant to use all of it earlier in the week, but I just couldn’t bring myself to eat it for dinner and lunch. I chunk it up and pan-fry it, getting a nice little crust on two sides before setting it aside. I add a tad bit more olive oil and some seasonings to the pan, the unceremoniously dump the rice in, stir frying it for a minute with one hand while getting a cupful of water with the other. I pour in the water and cover, keeping an eye on it while washing and chopping my spinach. I stir it in just as the rice has absorbed all the liquid, and then add the salmon chunks before dishing it out. It’s in a pretty dish- all my dishes are pretty- that can withstand my slowly preheating oven.

Hoping that I’m fast enough to keep my dinner from tasting overcooked, I quickly scrub and slice the eggplant, layer them on baking sheets, brush them with olive oil and seasonings, and replace the salmon and rice with them in the oven. It’s 7 by now, and I’m pretty damn hungry. By the time I’ve finished my dinner, layered the eggplant slices with tomato sauce and baked them again, had a gin and tonic, cleaned the apartment (not to the point where my mother would approve, but more than well enough) and done the dishes, it’s fairly late. I open the windows and turn on the fan to keep my apartment from smelling too much like food, and go take a nice long shower. I obviously love showers- my water bill is astronomical.

The windows get shut the moment I’m clothed- it definitely isn’t summer anymore, so 10 pm is quite nippy. If it were a “weeknight”, I’d start the process of going to bed. If it were a year or two ago, I’d be out. Probably not at clubs (at least, not often), but the entire city seems to be a bar/restaurant. And there are all sorts of art out there, of course. I could have lived closer to where I work, not cooked my own dinner, stayed out quite late, or had my friends over instead.

But hopefully, there will be someone there to just hang out with at this point. Someone that I probably haven’t seen all week for more than a few minutes, at least not while multitasking. Hopefully there will be someone. If not, I’ll just write or sing or sleep or plan or just be getting home from some worthwhile endeavor. Either way, I will have a productive day that I enjoy, on my own terms, in awesome clothes. I just had to mention that. So I’m going to go to bed much later than I planned, older self, and get ready to start working towards that amazing day.

Love,

Trying-to-mature Jen

online shopping+window shopping=virtual shopping

http://wishlist.com/radical2xpie

so the 1st round of exams is almost over. and i have/am setting myself up to fail via procrastination- as usual. let's tell you how i spent my day.

i got up insanely early, 7 something, because we were going to the englishtown auction (a flea market) and were trying to leave at 8. we don't, of course. we make it there, wander about, have a great time, get harassed by semi-crazy coin and airsoft-gun dealers, buy a $5 tutu ensemble. the great time was had by all, the coin guy was kevin's fault, the gun/weapon dealers were b/c guys in general are guys and i (obviously) bought the tutu because it was pink and fluffy and amazing.

we rushed back b/c my family was supposed to visit at 2 pm. daddy didn't get there until 3, as usual. either they're really late (esp when i'm trying to be on time) or they're early when i've counted on them being late. mommy and stephy were supposed to come and visit (i even acquired a lighter for stephy to play with- so sad she wasn't here) but stephy was backed up on work and mommy didn't feel like leaving her alone w/ an internet connection. daddy dropped off a pack of water bottles and a blankie, then got me food and left. i feel sehr sehr guilty b/c they've been very supportive and i've been a bad student this semester. i seem to do better when they're calling me every other day to tell me i'm a stupid lazy whore.

then i ripped all the excessive shiny green faux foliage and other hideous additions to a perfectly good tutu whilst talking w/ suitemate aggie and our old friend you-ding-a-ding-ding. then elisa (friend of suitemate, semi-permanent suite crasher, theatrical costume and stage technician, granddaughter of a dressmaker) came in and i got her to help take in the (extremely large and ill-constructed) corset-y bodice part of the tutu. she's working on it- it should make its debut as a properly fitted article of clothing by halloween. meanwhile, i was still talking to you-ding-a-ding-ding and aggie, and attempting to eat, and bouncing around squee-ing.

as the fitting party died down, i took my food to my room, intending to start work- eventually. i spoke to erica very very briefly on aim. i ended up on youtube/facebook/wikipedia- my loves. by this point the "day" was over. it was 6-7 pm, dinnertime. if i had eaten then gotten down to business, having wasted the day proper wouldn't have been so bad. instead, i have just gotten myself out of the evil triangle now, at 2:30 in the morning. i will be tired all of tomorrow, and have lost a full 24 hours that i could have potentially used to cram all the shit i don't keep track of like i should during lecture into my skull.

so what do i do on the interwebs that takes so much time? well, the food fetish has finally died down- dance and amateur music have taken the lead as my favorite way to waste time. i guess they will continue for another year or so, until i realize erica is a way better connoisseur of them than me. j/k, hon. i'm only saying that b/c you're the only one that reads this shit. oh, and steve- you too. so i look up music and research the artists a bit, while the other tab is on facebook, casually stalking friends of friends because it's always interesting to see who knows whom and how. hours. today it was a cappella. i don't know how i got into it, but after seeing straight no chaser (indiana university, 1998, regrouped currently) do some very funny shit- i just couldn't stop. the youtube-famous 12 days of christmas was my 2nd or 3rd favorite thing of theirs- the teen stars medley (boybands and britney) was so absolutely priceless. and their silent night was beautiful. very original arrangements for the most part. and they seemed very comfortable on stage, dancing and adding choreography that actually worked- AND seeming very masculine at the same time. it was their very casual, just-sloppy-enough air, i think. and they were mostly tall and good looking and not too weedy. that always helps. other groups i checked were from williams college and some school in minnesota and some high school group and a mostly-female group from florida something. less tall and good looking- slightly less pro, usually much less interesting, and not terribly original. although watching some south-asian-american from williams college rap w/ his a cappella group is pretty funny. then i looked into good old rutgers. we have alot of a cappella going on- ethnic, religious, male, female, crazy folks... it's the crazy folks i have the greatest affinity for, because i casually know half of them. considering the size of rutgers and the anti-socialness (outside of pharmacy) that i claim to suffer from, that's quite a feat. proof that birds of a feather...

i could go on about how i met all of my beloved orphan sporks, but that's a digression that i actually recognized and will try to control. i watched pretty much entire concerts of theirs on youtube while catching up on their lives via facebook and checking out their site to see if it's been updated. most of their stuff, especially video, is done by this guy named aj feliciano. he's a journalist, primarily, at the moment and a recent rutgers grad. he's fairly web-savvy when it comes to promoting himself professionally and i found myself reading through his blog and website and stuff. kinda inspiring and shaming and etc. he actually does shit- has been doing shit for a while. he's only 2 years older than me! i slept through history of music 3 seats away from him for a semester. we kidded around with sarah and austin during class together! (aj, austin, and sarah are sporks, and i know all of them b/c sarah was in my freshman expos class) and, to be honest, i didn't think much about him at all- he was just another person- i was too busy being the star of the jen show. but he's doing shit for the world, for himself, for his friends- and thinking and writing and holy crap i need to grow up. i mean, i don't want to dj part-time, play five instruments, write music, and be a journalism major, and documentary maker for the UN, and news anchor for some network, and video editor for the orphan sporks. but i do want to have actual accomplishments to my name. my resume is only jacked within the confines of retail pharmacy. I NEED TO BE MORE. HOW CAN I BE MORE?

it's really bugging me that all the people around me are so freaking awesome, and i can't be happy. if i were a good person i would be happy for them. actually, no. a good person would be on equal footing and be happy for them. a barely acceptable person would just be happy for them. what does that make me? don't answer that question- not only because i don't want to know but because it's an egotistical, compliment-fishing question to ask in the first place and y'all should NOT be encouraging me in that.

and if i were an awesome person, i could have figured out how to tell this story in much less of your time. sorry.

i want to be jessica rabbit. it would amuse me.

i would also like to play with theatrical makeup and big hair (think duffy, not 80s jersey girl)

but i need to sleep and go to class and start my research.

so the us women's gymnastic team (the sweethearts) lost to the chinese women's gymnastic teams (the underage sea-monkeys). fact.

the age limit for the olympics was 16. fact.

the sweethearts had 2 falls and 3 missteps. and the sea-monkeys had 1 fall. fact.

the sweethearts are mostly older than 16. most of the sea-monkeys were "16". fact.

older gymnasts feel the pressure more than younger ones. fact.

the sweethearts are generally taller than the sea-monkeys. fact.

shorter gymnasts generally have an easier time than taller ones. fact.

chinese people are generally considered shorter, and younger looking than europeans. fact.

the chinese team included some very underdeveloped looking (slight shoulders, very narrow hips, no curves, extremely low height and weight, and alleged "baby teeth") females. fact.

extreme old-school training can stunt people and make them look younger. fact.

people are making a big deal out of this. fact.

and as for opinions? get ready folks, cause here we go!

the us team performed poorly that night. no whining there, please. the chinese girls, no matter how old they were, worked hard and performed well- don't take away from their efforts with so silly "human-interest" type stories. if you think the younger kids don't feel the pressure, just take a look at their faces. they run the gamut from game-face to about-to-hurl. i might even argue that they could be facing more pressure from their coaches and national sports program. and, if the older athletes feel more pressure, they should also be mature enough to deal with it. it's part of the game, part of sports, part of performing- people who are successful are able to turn stress into a better performance. the us team failed to do so. saying that the supposed ignorance of the chinese team gave them an UNFAIR ADVANTAGE is not only demeaning to the chinese team but embarrassingly childish and irresponsible.

however, there are many reasons to doubt that the girls in question are 16. even if they were 16 (or 15 or 14), they are a very stunted, overworked 16. i'm not sure how healthy it is for a 16 year old to weigh 70 pounds or be 4 and a half feet tall. their diet is probably restricted, and their training is undoubtedly tough. they've made a conscious effort to reduce acute injuries in the past decade, but you can't take away the pain that accompanies any olympic level training. this is pain that most of them have been coping with since 3 or 4 years of age. i'm going to assume that the girls chose this, since many of their released statements show alot of ambition and competitiveness. and it pays economically to become a national level athlete in china.

and my dad and others have told me that successful chinese athletes can parlay the special privileges they're given into successful careers in any field of their choice. you know how most olympic athletes get into yale, stanford, brown, etc.? in china, it's more straightforward- university of your choice. guaranteed. the last olympic torchbearer was china's 1st gymnastic gold medalist (men's) who eventually went to university, into business, and is now a billionaire. it doesn't always result in success stories, but the nfl and nba drafts do the same thing to young athletes in america- they create a system where many labor past their limits so that a few will eventually fly high.

but back to the age issue. even the most diehard china fans have to admit that the girls aren't quite 16, and there's substantial evidence from old competition coverage that they've played with the kid's birth dates. it's certainly fishy that all but 1 of the 6 are listed at 16. but maybe at the lower levels, they tried to be younger, so as to look more amazing or compete with less challenging opponents- who knows? it's not likely, given the visual evidence, but it could be. and the only thing we can really whine about given this debacle is that they lied. the supposed advantages cannot enter this argument if it is to be sportsmanlike or winnable. this lie shows an appalling lack of respect to the rest of the world's intelligence- which hurts and is why i'm mad enough to write about it. it hints at arrogance, the bending of rules. anyone who's been chastised for stupid rules knows that the reason the teacher is mad has nothing to do with right or wrong- just the teacher's fear and loathing for your disrespectful attitude.

and speaking of right and wrong- i believe the age limit was wrong. let the best compete with the best. if there are minor human rights violations along the way, so be it. if china wants to put up lasting champions, the treatment of its athletes will eventually change. if they don't, they'll keep putting up young girls- and the results may not always be as good. they might not handle their nerves well, might not be experienced enough, might not find favor with the judges- the balance of youthful vitality and maturity is shaky in any sport. but mandating a certain age obviously doesn't protect children in the national sports system. it only allows journalists to invalidate the athletes' work. this ends up reflecting badly on the sport and the competition as a whole. and where would the rest of the world be without gymnastics queens and olympic wheaties boxes?